i know its been very long since i last wrote, because life has been busy enough.
year 2019 has been very hectic. Too many things happened, and every single one of them made me drained out. Health has been bad, while my mental health is deteriorating even faster.
yes, i think i should admit to this. i have mental illness. and it has never healed. thanks, but no thanks. i don't need the concern.
i recently found out that i have symptoms of Paranoia, which makes me even more paranoid about the things around me. i'm starting to lose more and more control of myself, and my own life. and of course, as usual, who actually bothers?
Life has been like this. everyone is busy getting along with their own life, while another person suffers. how can people just say things in the beginning, knowing that they wouldn't keep their promises at the end of the day?
from the beginning of the year, i left my job at Novartis for a consultancy job which i started in the mid of the year.
from helping him to find a job, to having a huge fight and to now, silence. yes. my world has just dropped and silenced. i no longer see and hope of dragging myself out of this huge and dark internal world of mine. my mind has became so worn out that i can't help but wonder, if there is anything better than this?
if i ever knew this would happen, i would have chose to stay hidden and locked, locked within a wall of ice, never to melt the door and open it. after giving me the hope that my world and life may be better, and made me felt that, maybe i may deserve this... i felt hopeless. my world came crashing down on me even harder and faster than i thought.
i sat down and thoughts have been running through my head daily. i felt more tired than i'd ever be. and now, any body pain wouldn't even win how painful i felt within me. everything seems... black. i have lost all the colours.
i have always been afraid of people leaving. because i know how it feels like, how painful it is, especially a person who you care for deeply. but yes, i cannot control how others thinks. if they want to, i cannot stop them as it was never a right for a person to stay, always.
On a side note, i have made plans to travel to Korea with small bro next March. i hope this will serve as a break from such a hectic and disastrous 2019. maybe then i shall update all my travel stuff in here. and probably keep this blog alive.
Signing off,
Keulleeo
Claire Sim
21112019
Labels: #nowplaying Hotel de Luna OST
